Afraid of the Dark
by nowforruin
Summary: Edward Cullen is Dr. Bella Swan's new patient. Despite being 107, he's still afraid of the dark. Can he be cured? Or will he be doomed to an eternity of sparkling balls? A comedic tale of getting over your fears.


"Aren't you a little old to be afraid of the dark?" she asked, eyeing me from behind her legal pad. One smooth leg was crossed over the other, her pencil skirt riding up in a deliciously immodest fashion. I dragged my eyes away from her legs, from the stilettos that just begged me to take her, and swallowed the snicker brewing behind my lips.

"Yes, that's part of why I'm here today, Dr. Swan," I said smoothly, adopting the crooked grin that usually got me out of trouble. Her heart rate rose a notch, and I swallowed another laugh. It wasn't polite to laugh at her, and after all, I was the one afraid of the dark here.

Yes, afraid of the dark. One hundred and seven years old. Creature of the night. The Undead. Nosferatu. Vampire.

Afraid of the dark.

It was a problem, and not one easily fixed. I should have known that this whole living forever nonsense had a catch, some fine print that no one bothered to disclose before you woke up for the last time.

Balls that sparkle, for example, was not on the list of handy-dandy newfound vampire talents I could expect—but I got those anyway.

I digress.

"Mr. Cullen, I usually don't take cases like yours. I usually treat children." Dr. Swan studied me once again, her dark eyes fixed on my own. In spite of myself, I shifted uncomfortably under her gaze.

"Not many adults are afraid of the dark," I replied, trying to hold her stare. I did my best to sound sincere. It was all over her expression that she didn't believe me; this was a woman used to being bullshitted, and she was not in the mood.

She smirked, but I could tell there was something lurking in her eyes. "Mr. Cullen, I'd like to perform a little exercise with you. It helps most patients relax when they begin their visits. Could you please close your eyes?"

I eyed her suspiciously, wondering what sort of exercise she was going to subject me to. I hoped it would involve her under me on her delightfully soft leather couch, but I doubted that was in her medical how-to handbook.

"Mr. Cullen, if you're not going to cooperate, there's no sense in you coming to see me." Her tone was stern, but gentle. She sounded like she was talking to a two-year-old. I didn't want her to see me as a child. I wanted her to fix this problem of mine.

Then I wanted to fuck her senseless.

It wasn't my fault. I blame it entirely on the shoes. And the skirt. And the blouse that was just sheer enough to reveal a lace-trimmed shirt beneath it.

I closed my eyes.

Her office was carpeted, but I could hear the soft tread of her feet on the floor as she moved around. There was a rustling noise that sounded suspiciously like drapes closing. If my heart were capable of beating, it would have raced. I would have sweat. But I couldn't. I could only sit there, helplessly gripped by fear and suspicion.

"Open your eyes, Mr. Cullen," her voice called softly from across the room. My eyes met hers for one long second before the light went out and plunged the room into darkness.

I screamed like a little girl.

The light quickly came back on, and Dr. Swan rushed toward me. She sat beside me on the couch this time, not in her high-backed chair. "I'm sorry," she apologized, a hint of guilt coating her words. She reached to take my hand, but I snatched it away, staring at her in shock.

"What the fuck kind of shrink are you?" I demanded, pushing myself away from her to cower in the corner of the couch. I was embarrassed as all hell, mortified to have had my fear revealed. In front of a beautiful woman, no less.

"I didn't believe you. I'm sorry, Mr. Cullen." She took a deep breath, crossing her arms over her chest. The action only served to enhance her cleavage, and I let myself stare. She deserved it after the stunt she had just pulled.

"You scare me on purpose, and yet still so formal. It's Edward," I told her, still staring. Her breasts were small, but well-shaped. I wanted to palm them while she rode me.

"Okay, Edward. I'm sorry. Do you still want to continue?"

"Can you fix me?"

"Sure. Can you stop staring at my tits?"

"Nah, I think I'll keep staring. Payback for that whole bit with the lights," I replied, finding that I was finally calming down. I forced my body to relax, but didn't take my eyes off her chest.

"Well, feel free to enjoy the view. I won't sleep with you."

"That's fine."

Dr. Swan leaned back against the couch, unfolding her arms and pulling her shoulders back. She undid one of the buttons on her blouse, revealing the lace-trimmed camisole I knew she had been hiding. "Might as well make it a good view then," she said flippantly, leaning over to grab her legal pad. Her hair was neatly tied back in a bun, and I longed to pull it free and watch it tumble over her shoulders.

"Are you always this slutty with your patients?"

"Edward, you're not like any of my other patients. Those methods won't work with you."

"You could have sex with me."

"What if I told you I'd have sex with you, but only in the dark?"

A violent spasm jerked through me, and the fear started to run laps through my brain once again. I yanked my eyes away from her chest, glaring at her carefully neutral expression. "You're a bitch."

"I'll take that as a no." She arched an eyebrow, waiting for a response I wasn't willing to give. She had me. Even a beautiful, perfectly fuckable woman couldn't make me like the dark. Not for a moment.

"How about this, Doc? You fix me up, and then I'll have sex with you in the dark." I ignored the chill the mention of darkness brought on. If I'd been human, I would have been covered in sweat and goosebumps; stupid sparkly rock-hard skin did have a few positive points.

"I'm afraid that won't work. Once you're cured, we won't be seeing each other again. You're my patient, not my date."

"Not a whole lot of incentive to get better."

"One time offer. Right now, I can go turn the lights back off, and we can have sex. Wherever you want. On this couch. On my desk, perhaps?" Her expression was mockingly innocent, and I saw the hint of suspicion in her eyes. She was testing me again; she still thought, even after my horrifically embarrassing little girl scream, that I was lying.

"You're bluffing."

Dr. Swan smirked, setting her legal pad back down. One quick glance of her handwriting showed it to be a messy scrawl, very untidy. It surprised me, given her appearance of togetherness and her confidence. Without saying anything else to me, she rose to her feet again and started for the light switch.

"No!" I shouted, forgetting myself and crossing the room in a blur to stop her. She stared at me wide-eyed, her confidence gone. Her heart-rate had soared, and for a brief moment, I forgot my own fear long enough to worry she'd have a heart attack.

"What are you?" she whispered, taking a step back. Her eyes darted across my face, searching for an answer.

"Um, this whole doctor-patient confidentiality thing, it covers everything, right?"

"Are you going to hurt someone?"

"Wasn't planning on it."

"Are you going to hurt yourself?"

"No. I'm far too narcissistic for that."

"Then I think you'll be fine." Dr. Swan paused, backing away from me. She shook her head from side to side, like so many others I had slipped in front of before. She was telling herself what she had just seen wasn't possible, so therefore it had been a trick of her eyes. "You really are afraid of the dark?"

"Yes."

"That's very strange in a man your age."

"Yes. That's why I've come to see a shrink about it."

"Very well. I think that's enough for today. I'll see you next week."

Dr. Swan didn't offer to shake my hand, and she turned away from me as soon as she was done speaking. I had been dismissed. I waited for her to look up from her desk, taking the time to stare purposefully at her breasts before flashing a quick grin.

"He's kind of hot," I heard her mutter to herself as I left her office. "Too bad he's a complete nut job."

Dark—dark—dark

The next time I saw Dr. Swan, she wore a turtleneck. And she sat in her chair.

"How are you today, Edward?" she asked calmly, a clinical, professional smile on her face. She was wearing pants today as well. With flats. My inner horny bastard pouted.

"Right as rain," I fired back, flopping onto her couch with practiced ease. If I really threw myself down without paying attention, I'd break the thing. It was much too pretty to break—and I hadn't entirely given up on having Dr. Swan on it. Or maybe bent over it.

"Excellent. How do you feel about medication?"

I burst out laughing, unable to control myself. Medication. On a vampire. Yeah, that was going to work.

I snorted once more, finally bringing myself under control. Dr. Swan was not amused.

"Are you serious about controlling your fear?"

"Yes." I snickered once more, taking an unnecessary deep breath to give the illusion I was really trying to contain myself. "I apologize, Dr. Swan. I'm not sure what came over me."

"I'd like to prescribe some anti-anxiety medication. I think it may help. How do you feel about that?"

"Not so sure it would help, Doc," I replied honestly, flattening my palms against my knees as I stared back at her. She was wearing little makeup, and her lips still shone darkly against her pale skin. I wanted to kiss her, not answer her questions.

"And why's that?"

"My system doesn't react well to drugs."

"You didn't list any allergies on your paperwork."

"No. Not quite like that. My metabolism processes them too quickly. They don't work."

It was sort of the truth.

"So you need a high dose?"

"Extremely."

"Are you wasting my time, Mr. Cullen? I don't abide drug seekers."

Now I'd pissed her off. She was glaring at me in a most unprofessional way. Apparently, she still wasn't convinced.

"No, Dr. Swan. I'm just being honest. Medication doesn't work on me."

"If you don't want to take medication, you don't need to lie. I'm here to help you, not force you into anything." She paused, watching me as she made a note on her legal pad. I wanted to tear it out of her hands just to see what she was writing about.

When I didn't reply, she asked another question. "Why do you think you're afraid of the dark?"

"I have no idea. Someone like me shouldn't be afraid of the dark."

"Someone like you?"

"Yeah." I folded my arms across my chest, staring back at her challenging gaze. I deliberately lowered my eyes, tracing the curves of her body in the form-fitting turtleneck. "About that whole confidentiality thing...you really can't tell anyone what I tell you?"

"There are a few exceptions, having to do with child abuse and diseases." She narrowed her eyes at me, her eyebrows knitted together. "What is it you'd like to tell me, Mr. Cullen?"

"Edward," I corrected, smiling at her in an attempt to lighten her mood. Her expression didn't change. I sighed, preparing myself to be laughed at. "I'm a vampire. It's not really kosher to be afraid of the dark."

Her lip didn't so much as twitch into a smile. She made another note before turning her attention back to me. "You're a vampire?" she repeated flatly.

"Yes. You know, creature of the night."

"I see. Do you drink blood?"

"Yes. Only animals though. I like hunting."

She didn't believe me anyway, so it didn't matter how much I told her. I kept waiting for her to crack a smile, but she didn't. She just scribbled away, making notes before asking question after question. I kept waiting for her to get back to the whole afraid-of-the-dark business, to hurry up and fix me, but she had latched onto the vampire stuff.

"How old are you, Edward?"

"One-hundred and seven."

"How long have you been afraid of the dark?" she asked, making another notation.

"Since I was seventeen."

"Did something happen when you were seventeen?"

"I became a vampire."

"What year was this?"

"Nineteen-eighteen."

"Were you afraid of the dark before that?"

"No."

"Why do you think that changed?"

"I have no idea. Maybe it had something to do with the change. I was in the morgue. It was dark." I shrugged, my skin crawling as I remembered the pain and the darkness of the hospital morgue.

"You were in the morgue?" she repeated back to me, her tone still carefully neutral. Her expression was a mask, the doctor's face, but her eyes betrayed her. She thought I was seriously unhinged; her heart was racing.

She was afraid of me.

I didn't want her to be afraid of me. I'd never get to have her then. Plus, then I'd have to find another doctor willing to try and cure me of my stupid fear of the dark.

"Yes." I kept my answer simple, trying to get away from the topic of being a vampire. She was obviously not okay with that particular confession. I figured I'd leave out the rest of the ghoulish details of the transformation process, the pain, the burning, the screaming until my throat bled.

Instead, I had a case of word vomit.

"My dick sparkles. That's the worst part. I can't get any woman to take me seriously."

"Your penis sparkles?"

She definitely didn't look scared anymore. Now she looked pissed.

"Yes, it's quite embarrassing."

"Mr. Cullen, I'm once again beginning to think you're wasting my time. You realize you've sat here telling me for the better part of an hour that you're a vampire, who is afraid of the dark, drinks animal blood, and has a penis that sparkles?" She tossed her notepad down on the floor beside her chair, folding her arms over her chest and crossing her legs. "Was any part of that the truth?"

"All of it."

"Fine, let me see then."

"You want to see my dick?"

"Yes. Show me how it sparkles." Her tone was level but her cheeks were bright pink.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"It only works in the sun."

"What were you doing that your penis was exposed to the sun?" she asked suspiciously, studying me as I fidgeted under her gaze.

"If you don't believe me, it doesn't matter."

"It doesn't matter what I believe. What were you doing to expose yourself to sunlight?"

"I have a large house. I was in my own backyard."

"Naked?"

"Yes. Is that a crime?"

"Do you feel guilty about it? Were you doing something you shouldn't have been?"

"No. I was sunbathing. The heat feels nice. Don't you ever lay out in the sun?"

"We're not talking about me."

"I bet you do. But not naked. You're too modest for that. I bet you have tan lines. Wanna show me?"

"Do you sleep with the lights on?" she asked, ignoring the question completely. Her heart rate had slowed considerably, so I knew I wasn't getting to her anymore. Pushing Dr. Swan's buttons was fun, so I resolved to piss her off again. It was more fun than dwelling on being one-hundred-and-seven and a giant pansy.

"I don't sleep."

"Because you're a vampire?"

"Yes."

"Have you ever tried taking sleeping pills?"

"I already told you, drugs don't work on me."

"What drugs have you tried?"

"All of them."

"Do you have a drug problem?"

"You're sort of like a drug."

"Because you want to have sex with me?"

"Yeah." I shrugged, not bothering to hide anything. Dr. Swan was my shrink. She couldn't tell anyone about the seemingly insane things I was revealing to her. And if she had me committed, I could just escape.

Until then, I would go back to staring at her tits.

"I'd like you to try something," Dr. Swan began, ignoring my staring. She got out of her chair and moved toward the light switch. "I'm going to turn off the light. You're going to count to ten. Then we'll turn the light back on."

She had on her kindergarten teacher voice again. I stared at her ass instead of answering her. It was round and shapely, and her pants clung to her body.

"I'll take your staring as a yes. Ten seconds, Mr. Cullen."

I took a deep breath, not bothering to remove my eyes. She hit the light switch, and panic threatened to take over. I gritted my teeth, clenching my hands into fists. I wanted to throw myself out the window, where there were at least streetlights hidden behind the shades and curtains Dr. Swan used to keep the room pitch black.

"Mr. Cullen, the ten seconds don't begin until you start counting."

"Fuck you," I muttered, willing myself to maintain calm. In the dark, unable to see her, the scent of her was intensified. My throat burned, and I wanted to launch myself across the room. I was fast enough that she wouldn't have time to move before I had her in my hands.

"Ten seconds, Mr. Cullen. By your count."

I began counting, giving in to the evil she-demon. As promised, once I got to ten she flipped the lights back on. She walked back to her chair as if nothing had happened, reclaiming her notepad from the floor beside her chair.

"What was going through your head while the light was off?"

"You're a bitch. But I still want to fuck you."

"Why do you think you're directing all of your attention toward me, and not how you feel yourself?"

"Has anyone ever told you that you ask a lot of annoying questions?"

"Why did you come to a psychiatrist if you don't want to take medication? A therapist is cheaper and doesn't prescribe medication."

"You're the best."

"There's a lot of better, more prestigious doctors. Why did you really come here?"

"You have late hours."

"Ah. And you need that, being a vampire?"

"Yes. Otherwise everyone will see me sparkle. Then the Volturi will be upset."

"The Volturi?"

"Yes."

"Who are they?"

"Vamp cops."

"Why would they be upset?"

"Gotta keep the secret."

"That you're a vampire?"

"Yes."

"But you can tell me?"

"You can't tell anyone. Confidentiality." I grinned smugly, hoping that would finally shut her up. The woman fired questions like a machine gun, one after the other. Nothing I said seemed to faze her, and I was getting frustrated. I needed her to do more fixing of my darkness problem and less prying into vampire life.

"Your hour is up. I'll see you next week."

"That's it?" I asked as I got up, eyeing her suspiciously. I had told her all about being a vampire, and the Volturi, and she had tortured me with the darkness. It couldn't possible have been an hour. "But I'm not ready to go."

"Why is that?"

"I like talking to you."

"Are you sure you just don't like staring at my tits?"

"No. Well, yes. They're really nice to look at. I think they're really helping with the dark thing. Maybe next week I can try staring at your ass? But I like talking to you, too."

"Good night, Mr. Cullen."

Dark—dark—dark

The next few sessions weren't that interesting. Dr. Swan asked questions faster than a speeding bullet and tortured me some more with periods of darkness. She began asking questions in the darkness, which only made it worse.

She also wore a couple of low-cut shirts I really enjoyed. I decided low-cut shirts helped me focus and told her so.

The next session, she wore a high-necked T-shirt.

Months went by. My thoughts were consumed by her, by the curve of her neck and the scent of her skin. I started to forget about the torture of the darkness I knew would come, and instead just looked forward to the hour a week where Dr. Swan would study me and give me her full attention.

I was already in her office, sprawled out on her couch when she came in, a smile on her face. She lingered by the door, watching me as she closed it behind her. "Today's session is going to be in the dark," she announced, leaning down to put her notepad on her desk.

"How are you going to take notes about me if you can't see?"

"I don't think notes are going to be necessary today." She paused, waiting to see if I was going to have a temper tantrum about the dark. I didn't. I was pretty pleased with my growth in the non-pansy department as of late. I was even slightly less bitter about my sparkling balls.

Only slightly.

"I can't stare at your tits in the dark. It helps me calm down. You should leave the light on."

"I'm going to turn the light off now."

"Wait!"

"What?"

"I..." I cursed under my breath, unable to think up a good excuse. "Fuck, I've got nothing."

The room plunged into darkness. Tiny pinpricks of fear assaulted my skin as I heard Dr. Swan make her way through the room to her chair. The leather creaked as she sat down, and the scent of her perfume and skin filled the air.

"Aren't you going to ask your five hundred questions?" I demanded as the silence weighed heavily in the air. I needed her voice as a distraction. My throat burned with thirst. My body ached acutely to touch her.

"What would you like me to ask?"

"I don't know. Whatever nonsense you usually ask."

"Why don't you tell me what's on your mind tonight?"

"I wish the lights were on so I could stare at your tits. I still want to fuck you." I was hoping to get a rise out of her, but her heart rate didn't so much as add an extra beat. She had gotten used to me telling her over and over again that I wanted her—she shot me down each time. Once, she had tried to explain to me, in that damn teacher voice, that doctor/patient relationships were completely unethical.

My answer had been that I was a vampire, so that rule didn't apply to me.

Dr. Swan had not been amused.

"Have you given any more thought to why you're so fixated on me?"

"You're beautiful. And smart," I replied honestly, trying to search her out in the darkness. Even with vampire eyes, there was next to no light in the room to see by. To a human, nothing would have been visible.

"There are plenty of other women who fit that bill. Women who aren't your doctor."

"Yeah, but you put up with my shit. And you know my secrets."

"I'm paid to listen to you, Mr. Cullen. Why am I the only one you tell your secrets to?"

"You can't tell anyone. You'll lose your license."

"That would also happen if we slept together."

"Only if someone told. I wouldn't tell. I'm excellent at keeping secrets. I only tell them to my shrink. So we could have sex and then I'd tell you all about it. It'd be like one of those audio books, but porn."

Of everything I had said to her that was what got a reaction. Her heart rate jumped, and I could smell the sweat breaking out on her skin. I made a mental note of her response to me and took a deep breath. Bad idea. I hissed as the scent of her assaulted me all over again.

That was when I noticed it—the faint hint of men's cologne mixed in with her scent. I didn't wear cologne.

"You're seeing someone," I accused, jealously raging through me.

"What makes you think that? And why does it matter to you what your doctor does in her personal life?"

"I can smell him on you."

"Because you're a vampire?"

"Yes."

"I see. Why does that matter? I've already told you I won't sleep with you. It's improper." Her voice was steady, but her heart had begun to race. I narrowed my eyes in the darkness, realizing I had finally hit on something that got to her.

"I accept your offer."

"What offer?"

"To have sex in the dark. I accept."

"I'm afraid that was a onetime offer," she replied sternly, but her pulse betrayed her real feelings. Her heart was pounding.

"I think you want to."

"What makes you think that?"

"You're sweating. And your heart is racing. Plus, whoever he is, I bet he's nowhere near as interesting as I am."

"His dick doesn't sparkle."

"It's dark. You won't see it." As I was speaking, I had slowly made my way across the room to her, following the sound of her heartbeat and the scent of her. "Besides, they say the dark heightens all your other senses. I never appreciated that before, what with the crushing fear and all. But I'm not afraid when I'm with you."

I had reached her chair and slowly lowered my hands to her shoulders. She jumped when I touched her, pushing herself out of her chair.

"Mr. Cullen, you need to go back to your own seat."

"I don't want to."

"I'm turning on the lights."

"Wait." I wrapped an arm around her waist as she moved past me, the heat of her searing my cold flesh. She jumped again, taking a step back from me. I followed, listening for the sound of the leather couch colliding with her legs.

I didn't have to listen all that hard. She cursed as she walked into the couch, sinking down into the cushions.

"Whoever he is, I think he's a distraction," I told her, sitting down next to her on the couch. I reached for her again, but this time, she didn't pull away.

"This is wrong," Dr. Swan muttered, but she didn't stop me as I pulled her onto my lap. "These rules are in place for a reason. I'm your doctor."

"I'm a vampire."

"No, you're a very disturbed young man. You shouldn't even want to be with me. You're what, eighteen? I'm twenty-six."

"I'm one-hundred and seven."

"I shouldn't even want this. You've clearly got much bigger problems than a fear of the dark and a glitter fetish."

"I don't think I'm afraid of the dark anymore."

Her knees sank down on either side of my hips as my mouth assaulted hers. With a moan that sounded remarkably like defeat, she surrendered to me, her body molding to mine as I held her tightly.

"Your skin is so cold," she muttered as I broke our kiss, trailing my tongue down her neck and running my palms up under her shirt. I pushed all the fabric out of the way, finally able to grope the tits I had admired for months.

"Vampire."

"Whatever, just fuck me."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I give up. I should have handed your case off months ago to someone more experienced. I guess I might as well break all the rules now. You can even turn the lights on."

"I don't think so." I pushed my hips up to meet hers, pressing the hardness into her pelvis. "I wanna stay right here."

I flipped her onto her back, quickly ridding her of her clothes as I continued kissing her. Once she gave in, the doctor was quite insistent herself, pushing my shirt off my shoulders, shoving my pants over my hips.

When I pushed into her, she gasped, her back arching off the couch. I grinned at the response before capturing her mouth once again with mine. It had been a long time since I had attempted being with a woman, but this was nothing like that. This was fire and ice, prolonged desire finally fulfilled.

"I think you've cured me of my fear of the dark, Bella," I muttered as I rocked my hips into hers.

She stopped moving to meet me, her hands settling on my shoulders. She pushed against me, but didn't force me away completely. "How do you know my name?"

"It's on your business cards," I lied, realizing my slip. I didn't want to talk about that; I wanted her to continue swiveling her hips up against mine until she cried out my name in the darkness.

"No, Isabella is on my business cards. Bella is what my friends call me." I didn't answer, instead tentatively pushing my hips forward again and bending my lips to her throat. For a moment, I thought I had succeeded in distracting her, but she pushed me away with a low moan.

"Edward, I'm already willing to have sex with you even though you're obviously a little delusional. Okay, a lot delusional. So just tell me. How do you know?"

"I've been to your apartment."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Nope. Vampire thing. I can get pretty much anywhere unseen."

"Oh, okay. Vampire stuff. Whatever. Shut up. Just fuck me. I have to have you committed when we're done." She gasped as I pushed back into her hard, seeking the friction I had lost during our delay.

"You won't do that," I taunted, flipping us over so she was on top of me. I palmed her tits as she began to set her own rhythm, fulfilling my fantasy. "You're enjoying this too much."

"One time deal," she gasped out, her head falling back as I rolled her nipple between my thumb and forefinger. I dropped my other hand to her hip, pulling her down harder with each of her own thrusts. "You're getting committed. No one will believe that this happened."

"I don't think so." I sat up, looping my arms under hers to grasp her shoulders as she moved above me. I pulled her closer, sharing one kiss after another, my tongue battling hers for dominance as our rhythm picked up speed. I reached between us, finding her clit and rubbing until she came undone.

Her body's spasms hadn't ceased yet, but I pushed her onto her back, driving into her until I found my own release. I muffled my moans by pressing my mouth to her throat, unable to immediately move as the rush of pleasure subsided. Bella was sweating and panting beneath me, her usually tidy hair sticking to her face. I wished I could turn the light on from where I was, just so I could admire her undoubtedly flushed face and deliciously naked body beneath mine.

"All right, Edward. Time to go," Bella announced with a heavy sigh. She pushed lightly on my shoulders, but her effort seemed half-hearted. "Your hour is up."

"Your clothes are ruined."

"Why?"

"I tore them. Sorry. I was a little overeager." We still hadn't moved. "I don't know my own strength sometimes. Did I hurt you?"

"No," she replied, an odd note to her voice. "How am I supposed to leave if you've torn my clothes?"

"I can take you home."

"How, out the window? Wait, don't tell me. You can fly too?"

"No," I replied with a touch of annoyance as I pushed myself onto my knees and fumbled with the window. I found the layers of curtains and pushed them back, allowed the street light to filter in between the slats of the blinds. Now I could see Bella, and sure enough, her face was flushed. Her hair was snarled from the mess I had made of it, and her skin creamy. She had the faintest of tan lines, much as I had once suspected, but the lines hinted at a much smaller bathing suit than I'd expected.

"But, we can go out the window. I'm very fast. There's clothes in my car you could wear."

"You know I can't do that."

"You told me you couldn't sleep with me either. I think you lied."

"Someone will see."

"I'm too fast for them to see."

"Right. You're a vampire."

She wasn't going to believe me, so I gave up trying to convince her. I decided to just do it, and in the blink of an eye I'd gathered her things in my arms and was carrying her out the window. We were in my car before she got out a single word, driving back toward my house.

"I'm working too many hours. I've fallen asleep at my desk. This is a hallucination. Or I'm dreaming."

"Nah. Nothing like that," I assured her, speeding off toward my secluded home. "I'm taking you home with me. After you get some sleep, I'll show you I wasn't lying about the sparkles either."

"Yeah, okay, Edward. Can we have sex again first? This is a strangely good dream for all the vampire shit it's filled with. No man has ever given me an orgasm like that."

"That's very blunt of you, Doc. I always thought you were a bit more modest."

"This is a dream. It doesn't matter what I say to you. It's not real."

"Oh, it's very real."

It took barely fifteen minutes for me to complete the drive to my house on the outskirts of town. I drove well over the speed limit the entire time, Bella in my passenger seat with a blanket from my trunk wrapped around her body. I figured it was just as well she wasn't dressed; her offer to have sex again seemed like reason enough for her to stay undressed to me.

I carried her into the house and straight up to my bedroom in seconds. She seemed unfazed by the speed of movement, secure in her believe that none of this was real.

The sex was better the second time. Bella let loose, apparently quite uninhibited when she was under the impression that nothing happening was real. She was much more vocal too. I enjoyed the hell out of every last moan that passed her lips.

I never wanted to let her go.

"I don't want to wake up," Bella mumbled as we lay together in my bed, the moonlight falling across her shoulders. "This is too good. I can't actually have this. You're my patient. I should lose my license just for having this fantasy."

"So don't wake up."

"I can't sleep forever."

"No, but I can make you like me."

"A vampire?"

"Yeah, sure. You can be Nosferatu too. You can protect me from the dark for the rest of time."

"All right, sure. None of this is real anyway."

She was serious. It was the perfect solution. Bella couldn't have me committed if she was a vampire, and I wouldn't have to worry about the Volturi. I felt sort of guilty for a moment, but then I remembered I was supposed to be a Creature of the Night. I shrugged, kissed her, and bit her.

Three days. Those sucked. I'll skip them.

It was daylight when Bella's heart stopped. I had a surprise waiting for her when I realized she'd awaken in the sunlight. I stripped down when I heard her heart speed up, and made sure I was in direct sunlight when her eyes slowly focused on me.

"Your balls are sparkly," she accused, her ruby eyes wide open in shock.

"Your tits sparkle."

"I'm a fucking vampire now too?"

"Yeah."

"You asshole!"

"You said you wanted me to."

"You're a vampire, and you made me a vampire. And you glitter in the sun."

"Yeah. Told you so."

"This is seriously fucked."

"Only if you're afraid of the dark now, too."

* * *

So comedy is something new for me. I would love any opinions you have on this one-shot.

Many thanks to Bookgeek80 for being an amazing beta, McGee for holding my hand, and Divine Inspiration for kicking me out of my box.


End file.
